


Out of the Mouth of Babes

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Kid Fic, Not Steve Friendly, Team Iron Man, Team Tony, not team Cap friendly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:08:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23046787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: Thanos actually liked Tony. The feisty ones were always his favorites.What if he decided to keep Tony? What if...
Relationships: Tony Stark & Thanos
Comments: 44
Kudos: 594





	Out of the Mouth of Babes

**Author's Note:**

> I napped and dreamed and this dream amused me, so I decided to share it.

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

"Spare his life! And I will give you the stone," Doctor Strange said.

"No tricks," Thanos replied, aiming all four of the Infinity Stones at him.

Tony said, "Don't!"

Thanos said, "You have my respect, Stark. When I'm done, half of humanity will still be alive. I hope they remember you." Thanos smiled as the Time Stone settled into his gauntlet. Peter Quill screamed and flew at him, firing with both hands. 

Thanos rolled his eyes and swatted Quill down and unconscious. "That was rude." He turned to look down at Tony, bleeding from the mouth and side, gasping for breath. "I could just leave, but that would hardly be sparing your life, now would it? You'd probably die," he said after a moment's consideration.

"Don't mind me," Tony said, between gasps as he directed nanobots to fill the hole in his side. "Gimme a few and I'll be... back to kicking your ass."

"No, Tony," Strange said, looking alarmed. "Don't. We're in the end game now."

Thanos' eyes narrowed. "You have a plan? It depends on Stark? Well, we can't have that, now can we."

"NO! Strange said. "Leave him alone. Kill me instead!"

Tony pushed against the ground, levering himself to his feet. "I'm a grown-ass man, Strange. I don't need anyone fighting my battles for me."

Thanos blinked, and then smiled. "Delightful. Just as I was told. You don't give up, do you, Stark?"

"Never, you pompous purple windbag," Tony said, shortly. He wavered on his feet.

"Well, I did promise to spare your life. Let's just turn back the clock a little." He raised his hand and the Time Stone sent out a ray of colored light.

"No!" Spiderman and Strange shouted, and they both rushed Thanos, who simply smirked and used the Reality Stone to turn a cloud of dust into boulders encasing them up to the neck. Nebula was sneaking up behind him. Thanos encased her in stone, too. While he was at it, he boulderized Mantis and Drax too, so they could watch if they woke up, but not interfere.

"Such a lot of fuss. Why, I'm doing him a favor."

The light faded around Tony, who glanced down at his undamaged armor for an instant before flipping his helmet down and firing his repulsors at Thanos.

Thanos laughed. "Is that any way to say thank you?"

"I'd rather say goodby," Tony snapped. He flew up and fired all his missiles at Thanos' head.

"You can't win," Thanos said, smirking, surrounded by a bubble of glowing force. "Go back, go back and learn your lesson."

Tony tried to evade, but the Time Stone ray hit him again. He landed, heavily, without the armor, arc reactor in his chest, black lines of poisoning spreading from it. He shook his head, confused. "Whoever the hell you are, you can kill me, but you can't beat me." He glanced at Spiderman just as Peter broke the boulder from within, and shot webbing across Thanos' face.

Thanos roared and blindly backhanded Peter. While he was turned Tony grabbed a piece of metal from the rubble and ran at Thanos with it, putting his whole weight behind it. Thanos moved at the last instant. 

Tony fell. Thanos picked him up by one arm and studied Tony's face with interest. Tony stabbed him. Thanos laughed and pulled out the metal as if it was a splinter.

"Let's see what happens when you aren't a 'grown-ass man'." The Time Stone ray enveloped Tony, and stayed on longer. When the glow faded, Thanos was holding a little boy, probably about four years old. "Cute," Thanos decided.

Little Tony looked up from under a shock of blond hair. "Let me go!" he yelled.

Amused, Thanos released his hold. 

Tony dropped and then got to his feet. He kicked Thanos in the shin. "Tharkth are made of iron!" Tony declared.

Thanos laughed. "Delightful indeed. It has been years since a child has so deserved to be one of mine." Thanos picked up Tony. "I am Thanos. I am your father, now."

Tony's face wrinkled in confusion. "You are?"

Ignoring the varied protests from the others, Thanos walked back to his ship, carrying Tony. "And you will be my favorite."

Tony blinked. "You like me better'n Capn Merica?"

"Who?" Thanos asked.

Tony smiled, and snuggled against Thanos.

"So, you see," Thanos said, while sitting on a throne on the bridge of his ship, with Tony on his lap, "I only need acquire one last Infinity Stone, and then I will use the Gauntlet to kill half of all living things."

Tony looked back at Thanos, away from his fascinated gazing at the stars through the view port. "Why?"

"To conserve resources. That way the survivors will never know want. As a good father, I will provide a paradise for all."

"Oh," Tony said. He thought for a minute. "But what if you're one of the half?"

"What?"

Tony pointed at the Gauntlet. "Then the other half getth it and bringth everyone back?"

"Hmm, that is a valid point." Thanos ruffled Tony's hair. "I will tell the Gauntlet to spare you and me, and take two others to make up the difference."

Tony frowned. "But what about butterflith and beeth and apple treeth! They make food, so there would be half ath much food, too! It'th like Algebra! If you take X from both thides of the equation, it'th thill the thame!"

"Math. Bah..." Thanos went silent for a long moment, while still petting Tony's hair. "But... perhaps you are right. I have nothing against bees and butterflies, and certainly don't mind apple trees. I'll just remove half the people."

"But..." 

Thanos sighed heavily. "What now, Tony?"

"The math won't work. Not if it'th random. Babieth, pathengerth, patienth, loth and loth of people will be..." He took a breath. "CO ladder all. TOO MUCH. Ith not right. There'th RULETH in War."

"Thanos does not follow anyone else's rules."

Tony looked disappointed. "But the math. The numberth are all wrong! You can't get HALF." His lower lip wobbled. "It'th not what you THAID. You PROMITHED! HALF! You SAID." Tony looked at Thanos. "You THAID... half would remember ME." His lower lip wobbled more, and his eyes were very shiny. "YOU BROKE YOUR PROMITH."

"I did not!" Thanos thought about it, and sighed. "That wasn't exactly a promise. I just... hoped."

Tony looked at him. His eyes were huge, and so, so sad and betrayed.

"FINE!" Thanos tossed his hands up in the air. "What do you recommend then, my little general?"

Tony sniffed. "Sogerth. Kill sogerth. Thath what sogerth are for! Capin Merica won a war all by himthelf. That'th what made him a hero."

"You expect me to fight, one by one, all the soldiers of all the planets in the universe?" Thanos said, amused. "That would take a very long time."

Tony nodded solemnly. "I read about a hunnert year war." He smiled at Thanos. "I'll be a good general! I won't cry and I'll 'bey orderth and even go to bed on time."

Thanos's smile grew. "Well, I suppose there's really no hurry." He patted Tony on the shoulder. "Let's start with your 'Capn Merica'."

**Author's Note:**

> Psalm 8:2  
> Various English translations exist.Many can be found here.  
> https://biblehub.com/psalms/8-2.htm
> 
> This one was just perfect for my purposes. I did not change a word of it.
> 
> _Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings hast thou ordained strength because of thine enemies, that thou mightest still the enemy and the avenger._
> 
> Also Note: Dr. Strange still had his sling-ring, so he could get everyone portaled back to Earth once Spidey woke up and broke them out of the boulders. They were too late for the battle, so they survived.
> 
> Since Thanos wanted to impress Tony he went to Wakanda, squashed Wanda and pried the Mind Stone from Vision, and then cheerfully battled the Wakandans making sure Tony got to see him casually destroy every one who stood against him, in particular Captain America. Rhodey and Bruce got killed too. Tony would have felt bad about it, but they were Capn Merica's friends, not his. After that, Tony got tired, and Thanos decided to leave the rest of Earth alone so his newest general could take a nap. So it wasn't anywhere near fifty percent. It was a good start.
> 
> On thinking it over, Thanos actually enjoyed the fighting more than the idea of retiring to eat melons on an isolated farm, so he figured he'd just keep going the way he had been. Short cuts are usually not all that satisfying, anyway.


End file.
